RESOLUTION X

I was coming out of the train station today when I spotted two people wearing yellow jackets and trainers, handing out leaflets. My mind went into panic mode: SHIT they're over there and I'm here, and I need to get there, shit, I don't want more crap to go into my handbag, it's already pretty heavy as it is, ah damn, I can't even avoid them, look at them, with their yellow costumes, shoving pieces of paper in people's faces, sticking out their arms like weird boxing ninjas, they think they can outsmart me with their careful positioning, I'll show them, I'm not accepting more rubbish, I can't believe they're cutting down forests for this crap, as if junk mail is not enough, now we have to put up with junk in our bags, pockets, hands, it's not as if I want yet another Chinese Take Away Menu, or some crappy offer on psychic readings, oh no, LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN, DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE, THEY'LL GIVE YOU A PIECE OF PAPER, AAAH SHIT, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING, CRAP A PIECE OF PAPER! They shoved it right under my face! UNDER MY FACE! Ruthless yellow people!

And so, with my sense of privacy and personal space totally violated, I hold the yellow piece of card in my hand, and it tells me to go to the Gym.
First that piece of paper, then it's that girl from Steps who comes on TV telling us to buy her new fitness DVD, because REALLY THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE LIKE IT- THIS IS DANCE AND AEROBICS- TOTALLY INNOVATIVE- STEPPING UP AND DOWN A BOX HAS NEVER BEEN MORE FUN! And then it's Paul Mckenna saying that he can make me thin, but what he doesn't know is that what I really REALLY want is to be made into a Broadway musical star and a world famous ventriloquist. Starbucks are telling me to get my Caramel Machiatto, my Hot Chocolate and my Vanilla Late Skinny.

Either the Universe has tired of my over eating and wants me to FIND A WAY TO A SLIMMER FITTER YOU, or everyone is cashing in on the widespread post-celebratory guilt.
Pre-celebrations your TV screams out at you to go forth and purchase copious amounts of cakes, because they're less expensive than anywhere else and made by the cakemaster who only bakes during Christmas, brought to us minions by the fauns who live under the snow and have eyes that rotate 360 degrees. HOWEVER. Post-celebration era brings forth the dark reign of THE HEALTH CONSCIOUS KING OF NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS- the creator of the fitness DVD and the perfect detox diet. The motivational speaker who says that YOU CAN BE BETTER THAN YOU ARE, BUT FIRST YOU MUST FEEL THAT YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. And forth come the elves of the farms and the land of non-GM food, with their fresh fruit and veg and healthy eating options for under 5 quid.

NO I am not under the influence of recreational drugs, but it does seem that anything is a chance to consume nowadays- eat less, eat more, excercise, relax- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT US TO DO? I refuse to watch Davina Mccall working out whilst listening to The Song Of The Beached Whale, and eating a £1 CHOCLIT GATOU from Iceland.
And I refuse to make a list of what I want to do, just for it to be ignored! Why must I make resolutions NOW and not any other day of the year? Why can't I make them in August? Why wait all year for the 1st of January in order to change something you're not happy with?
THIS IS WHAT I SAY TO YOU LOVELY PEOPLE OUT THERE GETTING JUNK MAIL AND HAVING PAMPHLETS BEING SHOVED IN YOUR FACE:

FUCK RESOLUTIONS, CHANGE WHATEVER YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF TODAY, OR TOMORROW, OR ANY OTHER DAY! DO ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO NOW INSTEAD OF SETTING A WHOLE YEAR'S DEADLINE FOR YOURSELF! Because New Year Resolutions are the main cause of Mid life Crisis, and if everyone did what they really wanted to do instead of what they were told to do, there wouldn't be any 40 year old men driving red porsches and getting tattoos of their dead cats even though they never did like red cars or tattoos. So save yourself the risk of sleeping with a 20 year old when you're 40 and contracting an STI, SAY NO TO NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!

Stay safe, wear a condom!



AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

xoxoxo