Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

The following is a summary of my week so far:

Monday: Cleaned up the house

Tuesday: Cleaned up some more and spent the whole day baking cakes and cleaning up and painting my doorway and dying my roots and doing other household related things

Wednesday: The guests arrive, all of them are my mother's and her husband's friends, none of whom I actually know. My neighbour sends her weird niece over to meet me because we are the same age. She is 20. I am 17. She says she wants to go to Uni in London. She doesn't speak english. She is a moron. With wild eyes. Wild racist eyes.

Thursday: I wake up after a couple of hours sleep to a trashed house and the sound of a very high pitched laughter that, amazingly, is a man's. This preturbs me deeply, and I am further ailed by the discovery that someone has broken my recently purchased lipstick.

Today: Cleaning up. And making a list of people to kill for breaking my stuff and stealing one of my most prized possessions.

IN CONCLUSION: Christmas with a house full of strangers sucks. I knew it would. And my expectations were certainly met. Not only did I wrap up my own present, it wasn't even what I had asked for two months ago. Apparently it was too short notice. Note to self: figure out what you want for next christmas, so that you actually get it on time.

I actually thought that maybe my mother would give me something really thoughtful instead of something that she wanted for herself. No way JOSE!

And there is no point in cleaning your house for people because all they do is make it worse than it was in the first place, the ungreatful fucks.

And my hypothesis that Christmas is total bollocks has been certified and accepted. Because Christmas IS total bollocks. And so are your parent's friends.

Moving on from festive bollockery, the only thing Christmas is good for is that you don't have work/school for two weeks or so. And this means you can spend your evenings in front of the TV watching pretty good films!

As you see, this blog is coming towards you at the speed of a retarded snail, and so it has been approximately ten days since le Noel, and all of the above actually happened LAST YEAR!

One word of advice my blogging friends: NEVER have complete strangers in your house during Christmas (or any other time of the year), and NEVER spend NYE in the company of your family and a fat man who looks like Hurley from Lost, watching the countdown on TV.

Sad.

Ramblings of an insane (and pseudo-emo) person

I have a gift. I can smell bad news a million miles away. Today this gift came into play as I logged on to hotmail, checked my inbox and found an ominous email from UCAS (the university application site). LOW AND BEHOLD- the tidings were of failure. What a better way to end a weird day and confirm all my insecurities!! The first time I hear from a university at all it's to tell me they don't want me to study there.
Part of me, the self-loathing, self-deprecating, self-doubting part, which constitutes 80% of my psyche isn't at all surprised, but shocked that the hope of getting into one of the top 5 Unis in the country is completely crushed, and thinks that this is all what I deserve for not taking things seriously enough and being lazy and not dedicating myself completely.
The other part, the wishful part, is angry because actually, it has been fucking hard getting to where I am right now, and circumstances have been anything but stable, and all the grades I have gotten have been out of my own achievement, no tuition, no extra help at all, not even any "borrowing" from the internet. Surely that must count for something? All the anguish, all the hard work (not consistent, but when I do work hard I work like a motherbitch). I held on to the hope that maybe, just fucking MAYBE, this isn't all just random, and that maybe I'd get a break, maybe I'd get what I wanted for once - ever.
All the time, life has been just waiting around, trying to see things work themselves out, and working out the reasons for everything. And nothing is really happening for any reason at all. I just know that in the end I won't get the only thing I truly wanted- to go to Uni, and be the first person in my family to get a degree. To get some sort of validation for myself.
It is the first reply from my five options, but I just know that if this Uni doesn't want me, neither will my first choice. And no matter how I put it, it's infuriating and it hurts.

HOWEVER! 'Tis the season, and as of today I am off school for 2 weeks, which is just what I need- sleep, sleep, and more sleep! And, of course, I will get the much needed time I need to spend listening to music, reading and doing the things that make me happy (eating included)! I also have 3 pieces of coursework to re-draft and complete, but that just spoils l'esprit de noel!
I read in Psychologies that success is almost completely due to chance and the opportunities given to you by your class, upbringing, education, loads of practice and even the time you are born, which is pretty hopeless, but made me want to do my 10,000 hours of writing (apparently, 10,000 hours is the amount of practice needed to really improve and not loose an ability).
But for now I shall mourn my future whilst listening to The Fray (jeez, how sad).

Bon soir, and a lovely end of term :D
xoxoxo

I LOVE WIRELESS

It is so fucking great I could cry, FINALLY I can bum out with my laptop (which, I have recently discovered, is perfect in every way, and nicely porpotionate to my weird little hands and although its only a 2gb affair, it is quite enough for my computing needs). Not only can I bum out and vegetate, I can do it in the fashion I enjoy best: on my lovely big new bed - it's like being entertained whilst lying on a giant marshmallow. I will, however, not go back to my former habits (being online until late watching randomers make fools of themselves on youtube and watching episodes of my favourite series until 4 in the morning).

In fact, I hereby declare, that as of today, I, the writer of this shitty blog entitled Wind Up Citrus, will better herself in every way possible in order to achieve enlightenment (more like, will study like a crazy motherfucker on redbull and ritalin in order to get four A's). Ofcourse, if I were to be really ambitious I would add a diet to the plans of self improvement, but it's been tried A LOT, and I have the will power of a serial killer, and am sort of getting used to being chubby, after 13 years of wanting to lose weight but not really succeeding. OK, fuck it, why not go down a dress size AND get 4 A's, both unlikely, but both possible within reason! I'll bloody commit to this crap this time (I hope)!

On the topic of commitment, I had a crazy arse dream the other night about getting a tattoo of a question mark on my wrist. And in the dream I said I had done it because of this quote from Room with a View (which we're studying right now for English)

At the side of the everlasting Why, there is a yes! And a yes! And a yes!

Mr Emmerson says that in the second Chapter: In Santa Croce with no Baedeker, and in chapter one Charlotte finds a large question mark in what was George Emmerson's room scrawled on a sheet or something, and in the movie version he spells out a '?' in pasta on his plate and shows it to Helena Bonham Carter's Lucy.

That quote is one of my favourite quotes, if not my favourite, from that book. It's just the loveliest way you could put it, put everything, into perspective. And it's also how I've always thought, or tried to think- existence is just a chain of doubt and questions that sometimes never get answered, but only by existing can you answer them.

It's really strange that I had that idea in a dream, but now I'm really considering it- why not?
I love tattoos and watching tattoo shows like LA ink and London ink (LA ink is so much better, I have a girl crush on Kat Von D) makes me want to have insane amounts of tattoos. But I want them all to be really well made and have some sort of meaning so that I don't get to the age of 80 thinking Shit, what have I done? although, by then it would be too late, and all that emotion would kill me, so it all works out!

It is presently nearly midnight in this side of the world, and I'm getting a tad sleepy, although my tenacity prevails, as I am still radiating with joy for getting back my wireless connection, fucking great this is, writing bullshit has never been so much fun and comfortable at the same time!

Oh, and I have listened to the new GNR album a couple of times now, and although I find it disappointing that they haven't maintained their original line-up, Axl Rose does have some fucking amazing set of pipes, and the songs are fucking good, different, but good. My favourite is Better, it was love at first sight only you can't SEE songs, you hear them, but HEY, I'm sleepy and still recovering from a cold! I shall report on the subject of Axl Rose and Chinese Democracy later this week, for no one to read! WAHEY!

If you read this, I fucking love you, and will have your babies! :D

(I wish it was the 80's right now, because it would have been acceptable for me to find Axl Rose bloody hot)