Ramblings of an insane (and pseudo-emo) person

I have a gift. I can smell bad news a million miles away. Today this gift came into play as I logged on to hotmail, checked my inbox and found an ominous email from UCAS (the university application site). LOW AND BEHOLD- the tidings were of failure. What a better way to end a weird day and confirm all my insecurities!! The first time I hear from a university at all it's to tell me they don't want me to study there.
Part of me, the self-loathing, self-deprecating, self-doubting part, which constitutes 80% of my psyche isn't at all surprised, but shocked that the hope of getting into one of the top 5 Unis in the country is completely crushed, and thinks that this is all what I deserve for not taking things seriously enough and being lazy and not dedicating myself completely.
The other part, the wishful part, is angry because actually, it has been fucking hard getting to where I am right now, and circumstances have been anything but stable, and all the grades I have gotten have been out of my own achievement, no tuition, no extra help at all, not even any "borrowing" from the internet. Surely that must count for something? All the anguish, all the hard work (not consistent, but when I do work hard I work like a motherbitch). I held on to the hope that maybe, just fucking MAYBE, this isn't all just random, and that maybe I'd get a break, maybe I'd get what I wanted for once - ever.
All the time, life has been just waiting around, trying to see things work themselves out, and working out the reasons for everything. And nothing is really happening for any reason at all. I just know that in the end I won't get the only thing I truly wanted- to go to Uni, and be the first person in my family to get a degree. To get some sort of validation for myself.
It is the first reply from my five options, but I just know that if this Uni doesn't want me, neither will my first choice. And no matter how I put it, it's infuriating and it hurts.

HOWEVER! 'Tis the season, and as of today I am off school for 2 weeks, which is just what I need- sleep, sleep, and more sleep! And, of course, I will get the much needed time I need to spend listening to music, reading and doing the things that make me happy (eating included)! I also have 3 pieces of coursework to re-draft and complete, but that just spoils l'esprit de noel!
I read in Psychologies that success is almost completely due to chance and the opportunities given to you by your class, upbringing, education, loads of practice and even the time you are born, which is pretty hopeless, but made me want to do my 10,000 hours of writing (apparently, 10,000 hours is the amount of practice needed to really improve and not loose an ability).
But for now I shall mourn my future whilst listening to The Fray (jeez, how sad).

Bon soir, and a lovely end of term :D
xoxoxo